I'm Just a Blogger in the On the Rock Band

My title is a jeu de mots on the song "I'm Just a Singer in a Rock and Roll Band" by the Moody Blues . Actually I found jeu de mots in the thesaurus as a synonym for word play or pun. I have, in fact, read a thesaurus for entertainment a time or two. I like word play, by the way, in case you hadn't noticed. Which is why I often play with song lyrics and song titles. I've considered a few times not using that as a mechanism for my blogs. Partly because people younger than me aren't even going to get the references. I have also wondered if people would just get tired of that schtick. Then a song association comes along and I can't help myself. I've got words in my head so I say them. On the Rock is, of course, for built on the rock. I could have stuck with the word singer, instead of blogger, but although I've got the music in me, I can't really carry a tune. I am a blogger and my medium is words. Then again,  I believe we all have a song to sing and there are all kinds of ways to sing them. This is the way, I suppose, that I sing mine. Besides, if I had just quoted the song title directly I wouldn't have been able to use a phrase like jeu de mots. That would have been a little less fun for me. Just some personal insight into the personality of this intrepid blogger. Intrepid in that I continue to sing the song or blog the blog undaunted by the fact that I am rarely playing to a packed house. There was a time, quite recently in fact, that I wasn't so intrepid, when I let myself be daunted. It took me awhile to figure out why. Meanwhile there were definitely some moody blues going on.

If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?

(Freebird - Lynyrd Skynard - 1973)

For months on end the blogs were coming few and far between. I guess you could call it one mother of a writer's block. It wasn't really about whether or not people were reading, sharing or commenting on my blogs. Although I did sometimes wonder if I was just too quirky and weird for some people's tastes and if it would matter at all if I just stopped blogging all together. But then, I have been quirky and weird all of my life and am pretty much ok with that by now. No, I had allowed myself to become discouraged, possibly a little intimidated. I think it was really about the negative atmosphere that can be on the internet sometimes and I had allowed myself to be sucked in to it. It makes me think of the psycho-reactive slime on the Ghostbusters movie. I'm not sure people realize how much negative mood slime is being slung around the internet and the effect it is having. That might be the subject for another blog. 

They say that if you want to break a writer's block that you should just write down what you are thinking as you think it. Stream of consciousness. Free birding, as it were, or at the risk of combining my Skynard with my Miller to fly like an eagle until I'm free and let my spirit carry me.  I'll try. I could probably use some freedom of spirit right now. I might benefit from a revolution.That's never really been my process, though. I have never been one to pound out a quick blog. I don't know how some bloggers who put one out every day do it. I love writing put it can sometimes be a blood, sweat and tears process. Even so, I look back at my earlier blogs and realize that they had a quality that they don't have now. Something a little more freewheeling and less structured. I don't know if that made them better or worse but I do know that made them more me, more natural and authentic to who I am.

Musta got lost, musta got lost, musta got lost, somewhere down the line.

(J. Geils Band - Must of Got Lost - 1974)

I posted my first blog on July 22, 2013. Somehow over the last five years I am pretty sure I must of got lost somewhere down the line. I remember that I had read the following quote from Pope Francis' encyclical "Lumen Fidei". "Those who have opened their hearts to God's love, heard his voice and received his light, cannot keep this gift to themselves. Since the faith is hearing and seeing, it is also handed on as word and light." I thought maybe I could send out some evangelizing ripples from my little pond as well as some encouragement for other Catholics. I started this blog along with a My Catholic Life Facebook page. After awhile I started a second blog A Catholic Mind - For What It's Worth. That blog is for when I want to write a "I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound. Everybody look what's going down" type of commentary. A few months after starting my first blog I became associated with the Vericast Network. I wrote a few guest blogs for them and ended up with a regular show. Vericast is no longer operating and my show, Showing Up Catholic, is no longer available. They just couldn't sustain Vericast any longer. We are still good friends. Looking back, though, that may have taken some of the wind out of my sails. It wasn't, however, the thing that sucked the joie de vie right out of my Catholic life.

My words should explain, but my words won't come. I should tell you just how I feel, and I keep tryin'. But something holds me back when I try to tell you...If I can find the words in my mind, the words can explain but the words won't come...the words won't come and I don't know what to say.

(The Zombies - I Love You - 1965)

If I am going to be totally honest, I think I must of got lost a little in my own self doubt. When I first started blogging I had no credentials or reputation. I did not have a degree in theology or church history. I do not have a degree at all. I wasn't a professional apologist. I rather liked the idea that I had no cred or rep. There is a saying that God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called. 

Not that of ourselves we are qualified to take credit for anything as coming from us; rather, our qualifications comes from God...2 Cor 3:5

For God is the one who, for his good purpose, works in you both to desire and to work. Phil 2:13

The only qualification I have ever had has been heart, as well as a confidence in Jesus Christ that, of course, extends to his Church. It would be an example to others that you didn't need qualifications or credentials to witness to and to defend the faith. If I can do it so can you sort of thing. I was fine when I was in the little pond of my little blog. After awhile, however, I found myself in a bigger pond. My writing had to be more precise and succinct when I wrote for Vericast. I was also associating with other bloggers. Many of them very qualified as writers and apologists. Their writing was extremely erudite, intelligent and educated. I began to be more and more of a perfectionist when it came to my blogs. That is totally on me. The things I tried to write began to read as silly to me. I began to write more for my commentary blog than sharing on My Catholic Life. Over time because of that, as well as a certain atmosphere on the internet, something began to hold me back. I tried, I have over a dozen drafts for blogs I started and never finished. The words wouldn't come and I often struggled with what to say.

Oh, a storm in threat'ning my very life today

If I don't get some shelter, Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away...

The flood is threat'ning my very life today

Gimme, gimme shelter or I'm gonna fade away

(Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter - 1969)

As a blogger, I was definitely starting to fade away. As a writer about all things Catholic I tried to keep up to date with news stories about things that are happening in the Church, as well as what people are saying about it. I began, however, to spend too much time in the echo chambers of comments sections, facebook discussion threads, and twitter arguments. There is a flood of negativity, dissatisfaction and criticism out there. A relentless beat goes on and those drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain with a discouraging effect. It clings to you like the mood slime I mentioned earlier. I saw that there are many Catholics that spend nearly every day all coiled up and hissin'. They relish it and they invite others to join them. Catholic on Catholic beat downs. Catholics beating down the Pope, Catholics beating down the Church, Catholics beating down each other. It is a matter of pride to give someone a verbal beat down. I have suffered from that pride myself. Many, however, wear it like a badge of honor. Some see being banned by another on facebook as something to crow about. Either that or they see it as an excuse to form a group whose sole purpose is to mock and denigrate another human being. All of it justified because they think they are correcting error and are afraid of what will happen to the Church if they don't. A fear that the bad guys just might be winning. This fear causes many to act like the force of their opinion, accompanied by requiring others to rigidly adhere and agree with that opinion, will be what brings the Church back from the eve of destruction. Does that indicate a lack of trust in the Holy Spirit as the force that animates the Church? I have heard the opinion many times that the Holy Spirit's presence is a passive one. It seemed at times that rather than be reliant on the strength of the Holy Spirit we act as if he is reliant on ours. It seemed that our example as Catholics often did not reflect the fruits of the Spirit, and we had no desire that they do so, but instead were satisfied with acting just like everybody else. Divisions can then be viewed as unfortunate but necessary. There is a hopelessness about it that begins to permeate without our even realizing it. More than any self-doubt, I had lost myself in that flood.

So what can give us shelter from self-doubt, discouragement, divisiveness and hopelessness? Pope Francis in his General Audience on June 12, 2013 encouraged us to overcome divisions and the fear of evangelizing by trusting that God is stronger.

Looking in newspapers or on television we see so many wars between Christians: how does this happen? Within the People of God, there are so many wars!...To bring into the world the hope and salvation of God; to be a sign of God's love which calls everyone to have a friendship with him; to be the yeast that leavens the dough, salt gives flavor and protects from corruption, light that illuminates. All around us, just by opening a newspaper -- as I have said -- we can see that the presence of evil is there, the Devil acts. But I would like to say out loud: God is stronger! And I would like to add that the sometimes dark reality, marked by evil, can change if we first bring the light of the Gospel, above all with our lives.

The song "I'm Just a Singer in a Rock and Roll Band" is about how rock stars don't have all the answers. Some Catholics have what can be perceived as a celebrity status. Because of that they are seen as having all the answers and given a credibility greater than the Magisterium of the Church. God is stronger. God is stronger than any mistake the Pope and bishops can make. God is stronger than any corruption in the Church. God is stronger than the Pope bashers. God is stronger than our fears. God is stronger then our hopelessness.

I am just a blogger with no cred or rep. My only qualifications are my baptism, my heart and my confidence in Christ and his Church. God is stronger than what I lack. He is stronger than my self-doubt, my discouragement and what intimidates me. God makes me intrepid and undaunted so that I will continue to sing the song, or blog the blogs regardless. Regardless of it is to a packed house or not. Regardless of whether people get me or not. Regardless of whether they get tired of the music schtick. I may still make the mistake of getting too wrapped up in controversy and the echo chambers of social media. I pray that I remain confident in the fact that God is stronger. I pray that I realize that the only requirement I need to fulfill is to be leaven, salt and light by just living my life as an example. I pray that I don't lose myself or my authenticity. I pray that I will no longer get lost in what is happening around me. I pray that no matter what I write or how I write it, what I will actually be doing is merely saying out loud...God is stronger.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Cor 12:9

General Audience June 12, 2013